Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
