There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
