How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
