there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
