Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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