I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
