You smell like a Billy Joel song
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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