Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
