I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Randomize
