cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
