Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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