I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
