I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
