We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
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New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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