the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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