I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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