made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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