areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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