she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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