shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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