tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
