drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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