it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Randomize
