You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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