I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
