I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
