i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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