Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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