tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
