My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
