Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
