someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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