i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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