someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
