Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
