Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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