my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
