he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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