I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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