Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sext me about skeletons
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
