just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
