New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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