onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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