remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
