i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
