Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
