my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
