two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
