I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
