Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
