I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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