saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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