Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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