why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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