I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
