...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
