chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
