Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
