I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
