hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize