So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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