fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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