No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
