I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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