we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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